


Cleaning Fairy Vs. Dirty Bird

by SassyFlamingo2



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Hanji is a crazy cat lady, Humor, Levi is obsessed with cleaning, Literature, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-12-27 00:50:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18293519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyFlamingo2/pseuds/SassyFlamingo2
Summary: It's a lovely spring morning except for the war raging between Levi and a small robin. Who will win?





	Cleaning Fairy Vs. Dirty Bird

You carefully blew across the hot liquid of your coffee, slightly cooling the beverage so you could take a sip. You welcomed the heat it provided on this slightly chilly April morning. Savoring the sweet-bitter flavor, you watched a flock of beautiful Cardinals cheerily peck in the grass for their breakfast through the window. Normally, you weren't one to sit still this early in the morning but since it was so pretty with all the sunshine and happy birds, you decided to take a little time and enjoy it.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" A furious Levi screamed as he charged through the yard, swinging a broom at a small red breasted robin that flew just inches in front of him. The lovely little flock of Cardinals that you had so enjoyed watched scattered noisly into the air to avoid Levi's thudding feet. A string of ear burning obscenities flew from his mouth when his attempted victim flew to the safety of a nearby tree. 

You sighed heavily and placed the cup down on the table. Apparently, you're attempts to cease his usage of 'adult' language was not successful. Standing up, you strode over to the door and flung it open. "Levi! Shut your filthy mouth! The neighbors kids might be listening! Now, what the *&6@ is wrong with you?"

Levi's heavily panting figure turned towards you. His grey eyes bulged and were extremely red. "Well, if those kids are listening, they can just go @#$% themselves! Look what that little feathered *&^%$%& did to my car!" He spit. One finger shakily pointing towards his beloved shiny cherry-red convertible, normally the sparkling image of cleanliness, was now coated in a white mess of bird droppings. "Well, at least you remembered to put the top up." you said with a wry smile. Levi stomped over to the side of the house and grabbed the garden hose. 

"Now I've got to wash all this &^%@$^* shit off before I can drive it to work!" He seethed, flipping the hose on and blasting the car with water at full power. You stepped to the short man's side so he could hear you better. "Mating season is starting for Robins. I bet he saw his reflection in the car and thought it was another bird." 

Levi's tongue clicked in annoyance. "Saw his reflection. That stupid bird was beating the #$^* out of himself against my car. He knew exactly what he was doing." he muttered sarcastically while he finished spraying the car. 

You pulled your phone out of your pocket and typing in a quick web search while Levi stored the hose away and careful dried his car with only the softest of cotton towels. Once he finished, Levi's pride and joy once again sparkled cleanly in the sunlight. When he stepped back to admire the efforts of his handiwork, you glanced over the top of your phone at the car. "Looks good." you murmured your approval. "Look here. I found a few things that we may want to try tonight and see if it works." You showed your screen to Levi who rapidly skimmed over the displayed text and nodded his approval. 

**Method 1: Plastic Bags**

Later that day, the sky was just turning dusky dark when you and Levi slipped out of the house and down to where his car was parked. 

"That bratty bird has already been back since I got home!" Levi whisper yelled, pointing one angry finger at a white dropping situated squarely in the center of the car's hood.

"Shush and hang the bags on your side." You shoved a wad of plastic grocery sacks from the supermarket at his chest. The both of you quickly hung the bags from both of the car's mirrors and taped it to the running boards at the bottom of the doors. According to an article on the web, the rattling noise that the bags made from blowing in the wind was supposed to naturally frighten the birds away without harming them. When the mission was completed, you both snuck back into the house. Eager to see if the solution could really be so simple.

The next morning, you both ran outside to see if the idea had worked. It hadn't. The plastic bags were torn completely off the car and lay discarded on the pavement below like limp tissues and the coating of white bird droppings had encased the convertible once more. Perched on the roof of the car like a mini gargoyle sat the guilty party responsible for the action. The robin's scarlet chest was so puffed out that it looked like someone had inflated a balloon under his chest feathers. His beady black eyes glimmered with mischief as he eyed the couple standing before him. Spreading his wings, the bird took flight into a nearby tree but not before leaving behind a marking to show where his presence had been. 

"Next. Idea." Levi muttered to you through clenched teeth as he stomped towards the garden hose.

**Method 2: Car Cover**

****On his lunch break from work, Levi visited the local automotive store and bought a car cover that promised to fit his loved convertible. That night, you had to help hold the cover in place while he fitted the cover around the bottom.

"I'd like to see that &^%$@%@ bird get through this." Levi said while he eyed the surrounding trees for his mortal enemy. 

"Levi, language." you chided. "I think this will work." 

The next morning, Levi stepped out of the house with lights of victory flashing in his stoic steel colored eyes, only to inhumanly screech in horror and anger. 

You sprinted outside, absolutely sure that your beloved had met some kind of horrible fate like the neighborhood garbage truck had dumped a pile of garbage in your driveway and he was currently buried under the mound of waste, unable to escape his horrible fate. To your surprise, the short man stood completely intact in the driveway except that his body was vibrating in horrendous anger and his slender hands were attempting to pull the longer portion of his raven black undercut out of his head by the roots. When you were finally able to tear your gaze from the livid man and look at his car, you could barely suppress your amusement. The bird had relieved itself all over the car cover, the dropping were particularly heavy on the handles of the cover.

"Well, better the cover than your car, right?" you asked, tentatively attempt to pat Levi's shoulder in an attempt to soothe his rage. 

"@^%$*@$ %&*$ no it isn't! I can't even get the $#@& !$%-coated cover off because the *$!# bird covered the handles in *@#% !" Levi ranted. 

*Cheep* *Cheep*

The robin swooped out of a nearby tree, soaring just mere inches above Levi's head as it flew off. 

"I'll kill you! You &^@#%$&%%#$@$-" Levi yelled. He darting back towards the house and returned with the broom. Viciously swinging the broom as if it was a sword, Levi ran after the offending bird, spewing a stream of unintelligible curses as he ran.

"Woowee! Shorty sure is wound up today." A brash female voice exclaimed. The glasses wearing brunette owner of said voice crossing across the street to stand beside you. Both of you watching Levi's antics as the bird avoided him time and time again. Hanji just so happened to be your most favorite neighbor and Levi's least favorite. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Levi swore she was insane (said the man who has a five years supply of Windex in your basement. "Just in case the company quits producing it" he said.) or maybe it was the 5,000 cats that she seemed to own and constantly drifted through the neighborhood. A blonde haired one of which was currently twining around the ankles of her ratty sneakers. 

"Yeah, we've been having a little trouble keeping a male Robin off of Levi's convertible. Do you ever have problems like that?" 

Hanji seemed ponder the question briefly before she cackled out "Naw, my little babies keep all sorts of trouble like that away." She bent over and picked the cat at her feet, squeezing it in a breathtaking hug that had your ribs hurting just from watching. "My little babies are so good to Mama. Yes, you do Armin. Yes, you do" she gushed to the slowly suffocating cat. You felt sorry for the poor cat when it cast you a pleading look from his widely stretched blue eyes.  

"Shitty-Glasses, take that moving flea circus and crawl back out of whatever sewer you came from!" Levi bellowed when he darted past only to skid to a stop. He turned around slowly, his thin lips twitching upwards into a....

Oh no.

Call the press. The world is coming to an end.

Levi Ackerman is SMILING. 

He threw the broom down in the grass and marched over to Hanji. Against her screams of "My Baby!", he grabded the nearly dead cat from her grasp and lifted it up above his head. Grey eyes sparkling with the beginnings of a new plan while he silently evaluated the gasping cat. 

**Method 3: Levi's Army**

****"Oh, look how cute! They look like little soldiers!" You cooed at the line of six cats sitting proudly at attention in front of Levi. The little round golden tags hanging from their collars identified each one. The chocolate brown short haired male with green eyes was Eren. The silky black longer haired female with grey eyes was Mikasa. You already knew that the blonde short haired male with blue eyes was Armin, thanks to Levi's rescue of the poor suffocating animal. The male darker auburn tabby with lighter amber highlights and golden eyes was Jean. The female with reddish brown fur and light brown eyes was called Sasha and the last remaining cat was a male with grey eyes and extremely short hair that was vaguely brown in color was called Conny.

"MY BABIES! YOU'VE TURNED MY BABIES INTO CREATURES OF WAR!" Hanji sobbed as she beat her fists her fists helplessly into the grass covered ground. Levi's foot was planted between her shoulders, keeping the slightly manic woman on her stomach in the grass as he surveyed his well trained underlings. 

"Watch this (y/n)." He commanded. Pulling a stuffed bird out of the pocket of his trousers, he flung the item towards the cats. Six sets of slashing claws reduced the poor stuffed animal to shreds of material and puffs of cotton. "The bird is going to be mincemeat."

The next morning, Levi lazily strolled outside to gloat over the success of his mission while you tagged alone behind. Levi's jaw dropped open as he slowly sank to his knees, the hallmarks of defeat showing on his face. Six bird dropping covered cats huddled underneath his car, pure terror was the only thing visible in their huge eyes. The car was once again coated in dropping and the robin sat proudly on the hood of the car, merrily tweeting his song of victory while he continued to mark his territory with white splotches. 

"He won't do this much longer, Honey. Robin mating season stops in July." you said as you viewed the aftermath.

Levi's limp body thudded dully against the grass as he fainted dead away.  


**Author's Note:**

> The events that transpired in this story are mostly true (except for the fictional characters). The bird relieving itself all over parked cars and thwarting every attempt to stop it all happens daily to my Parent's and Grandparent's cars from birds. We haven't figured out why yet but I thought that the idea of a 'dirty' bird and cleaning obsessed Levi would make a hilarious story. 
> 
> Since everyone knows that Levi has a bit of a potty mouth, I decided to replace the swear words with symbols a la comic strip style instead of putting a mature language warning on it so everyone could enjoy. Let's face it, an angry Levi versus a messy bird would definitely call for a large vocabulary of swear words. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Attack on titan and all characters do not belong to me.  
> This fic is also listed on my deviantart account happydoo2  
> The idea does belong to me.  
> You belong to Corporal Levi himself.


End file.
